“World Cup Frenzy” (2002)

(Excerpted from a longer script)

C.H: That’s really funky, but now for some really exciting football news it’s off live to Japan to see how England are faring up in the run up to their world cup victory over some bunch of rancid foreigners or other. And I understand there’s some doubt as to whether David Beckham will be playing owing to an outstanding injury problem.

A.P: Is that owing to the awful foul he sustained last week playing against the Shipton Under 13’s?

C.H: Yes, a pretty vicious tackle which led to his sustaining a nasty haircut injury.

A.P: I understand a whole section of his center parting was flattened out altogether. Pretty serious by anybodies standards.

C.H: Well we both know the damage such a hairline fracture can cause, though the £10,000,000 awarded him in damages against the club should do much to comfort him. As well as bankrupting the team and most of the village of Shipton as well.

A.P: Yes, Chris, but surely that’s a small price to pay for such a towering genius as Beckham’s agent says he is. Any other news?

C.H: Yes, well Michael Owen broke a nail during training so we don’t yet know whether he will be recovered enough to play either as yet. Apparently he’s been taking numerous baths in the very finest asses milk money can buy and having his every whim catered for by numerous vestal virgins, so it must be pretty serious. I don’t think we need worry too much however.

A.P: Why not, Chris?

C.H: Well rumor has it that Beckham was so impressed by the forthcoming opposing world cup team, that he’s bought the country.So whichever side wins we will still all have cause to go out, get pissed and behave like hooligans.

A.P: Which is pretty much what its all about? So what do you make of this new turn of events then? Sportsmen buying countries?

C.H: Well, they earn it, Al? Why not flaunt It?

A.P: I do recall there being a great deal of controversy some years back when Mike Tyson bought India forcing Lewis to buy Pakistan in the closing rounds of their last bout.

C.H: Hold on Al, we have a newsflash coming in from St Andrews. Tiger Woods has ( at the very last hole), for some reason, abandoned his plans to buy Israel and has opted for Palestine instead.

A.P. Pretty controversial move there. What does he propose to do with it?

C.H. I understand the plan is to level it to the ground and turn it into a luxury country for himself and his family.

A.P: And who can blame him?

C.H: Well, we’ll back with you if there is anymore news on this or the World Cup. But, for now, back to the studio.


Grams: Chopin Funeral March

A.P: Well, Chris, it seems a day of national mourning is in order. England’s World Cup dream is all over bar the rioting and the drunken brawling. A major tragedy.

C.H: Indeed so Al.

A.P: One to be ranked up there with 9/11, the Ethiopian famine and the nuclear threat hanging over Kashmir.

C.H: Except this will probably get more coverage.

A.P: So what do you think the long term effects of this defeat will be?

C.H: Well, in the short term, I understand it means that David Seaman may have to shelve his plans to buy Mauritius and settle for a small Pacific Island instead. An outcome which, I’m sure, he’ll be very disappointed by.

A.P: Hang on a minute. A bit of news just coming in. India has launched a nuclear attack on Pakistan. No reports of casualties just yet, though, by any means, quite a serious situation developing there. We’ll be keeping you posted on further developments. Anyway, Chris, you were saying?

C.H: Well, as you know, Seaman has had his eye on Mauritius for some time and the thought it might now be gobbled up by some greasy….

A.P: Sorry Chris, have to interrupt you there. Pakistan have now replied to India’s opening and have taken seven towns for four missiles. They still do have quite a bit of headway to make but with their strong generals they should easily make another 100 vanish before lunch.

C.H: Pakistan isn’t best known for making precision deliveries, so it will be interesting to see how many other countries find themselves involved before long.

A.P: And it seems one offside delivery has hit Israel, right in the center crease, and I don’t somehow think they were expecting that at this stage of the game. But they have made an excellent recovery and have bowled a dozen googlies at Palestine pretty much putting it out of the game before they even started. What an exciting turn of events.

Grams: “World of Sport” theme.

C.H: Well you seemed to have joined us at a rather interesting stage of this World War Cup Final.

A.P: Indeed you have, and with both Palestine and Pakistan eliminated at this early stage, who knows which way things will turn?

C.H: Indeed. Interesting game play from the Saudis now. Some super fast bowls at Israel in Pakistan. And the U.S. has let everything they have go and have wiped out half of Europe.

A.P: Possibly the most astonishing case of friendly fire I’ve certainly ever seen. Though I do remember a match in 1921 where……..

F.X: White noise

………………………………………………………………………………………….A.P: In other news. A sharp dip on the stock exchange caused by the recent nuclear war has seen the price of certain countries drop. With the fallout factor now entering the equation, the value of national investments looks to remain low for the foreseeable future. Our economics expert has more details.

C.H: Thanks Al. You are right to draw attention to the role the fallout factor has played. The fact that these countries now display a certain degree of inhabitability is having a very serious knock o effect indeed.

A.P: What other factors do you think could play a role? What about the rotting corpse rate?

C.H. Well that does have an effect but only a minor as many of the bodies were vaporized at the very start. Radiation sickness and survival rates are having a far more negative effect. Potential buyers seeking to invest are being discouraged by the number of people, covered in horrific burns, begging them for help. It puts them off their Martinis.

A.P: Like you mean the “black famine effect” that used to make people think twice before buying up parts of Africa?

C.H: Exactly. If you are having an especially fine G & T, you don’t want to have to look out of the window of your mansion to see such things.

A.P: What would you say the future holds for countries that have not been so badly affected?

C.H: Well, it could go one of two ways. Either demand is inversely proportional to the rateable value of the country in question, in which case the prices will be driven up.Or the sheer climatic extremes of places like Greenland will be a mitigating factor in keeping other countries’ prices in check or even lowering them.

A.P: So what do you recommend to those standing at the bottom of this particular property ladder?

C.H: Try somewhere small that is not immediately appealing. Say Iceland. Quite a small, but useful, population and acres for expansion. Then when one has turned it around sufficiently, one can put it back on the market and buy something perhaps a little higher grade.

A.P: Such as?

C.H: Well pretty much anywhere else on the planet. Have you been to Iceland?

A.P: A fair point, Chris, and thank you very much for it.


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