“Well the other day I was just putting the finishing touches to my latest flower arranging rosta when my wife Chlamydia told me about a law going through the Ugandan parliament making repeated gay activity a capital offence, and proposing to impose life sentences on anybody caught in the act or protecting or supporting such people.
My first thoughts were “Well what do you expect when you go against the word of god on slavery and apartheid” but my Bishop told me that if I said that publicly I would be defrocked quicker than a choirboy in a vestry. Something about maintaining church unity or some other such nonsense. He also said that if I quoted him on that I would be out on my “fucking arse” too, which I thought was a little extreme.
So I did some research and found that the whole thing had been put in place by two Christian preachers, Scott Lively and Rick Warren, from the US. They had been there few years back preaching god’s word on the topic, putting forward the traditional Christian view that all gay people are rampantly promiscuous child raping AIDS carriers who God wanted to be exterminated. The usual dreary Sunday morning stuff in other words. Lively, however, seems to have had a fresh revelation from God, however, which appeared to him in a dream. That is all the Nazis were gay and the concentration camps were a result of the natural heartlessness of these sodomitical bastards. Wow!! That really shook my tambourine I can tell you. Chlamydia had never seen me so full of praise and worship.
It struck me then that, far from being a collective expression of ignorant bigotry. it was a MIGHTY WORK OF GOD!!!
Of course, I realize that, in today’s world, such a point of view is about as welcome as a chav at a communion service but Christians are called to be in the world and not a part of of it. The bible is clear on the topic and God is not mocked.
Not that I’m narrow minded at all. Quite the opposite. Chlamydia and I have been ceaselessly exploring the many and varied ways our God given sexuality can be enhanced and made even more enjoyable through what, to some, may seem unorthodox methods. For example there was nothing she and I enjoyed better than re-enacting scenes from “The Passion Of The Christ” with the kind help of local homeless people. That was, of course, before the injunction was put in place. Some people are just so narrow minded on these matters. The bible is pretty clear once you are married (to an opposite sex partner) you can do whatever crazy freaky consensual thing you want to without dishonoring the marital bed. Even scat, though I, personally, draw the line there. It’s totally unhygienic and Chlamydia says that enough shit comes out of my mouth at the best of times already without wanting to add to it. Think I shall have to give her a few more lessons in wifely submission over that one.
So, in short, I hope you will all raise your glasses to the good folks of Uganda for bringing God’s holy judgement as revealed by his word into fruition. If only our country had the same guts and courage.
Remember people: Bless the Rich, Kill the Queers, Praise the Lord, Prancey Dancey. You know it makes sense.”