“Hell Is Other People” Jean-Paul Satre (2001) ( written with Chris Hopkin)

Pre-recorded tape: “Flowerpot Men Dance number” (“Flobb dod flobbedy bop bop weeed” done in the style of one of our “big up” djs) (More realistically A.P and C.H. doing their best with Iron age recording technology).

A.P. (Mindless Bimbo): Hey, welcome to the breakfast show with me, Share a Fox. That was the Flowerpot Men there of course, in case you hadn’t realised. Remember seeing them do a really funky gig at Wembley once. Absolutely fuckin’ ace…..

C.H. (Loudly): Oi!!

A.P: No, honestly they were really good. You’ll be hearing a lot more from them in the future I can safely predict, especially now their producer has signed one of our special airplay contracts. Really cool eh? Anyway, stay with us as we’ve got all the latest goss from Geri Halliwell, including the truth behind the rumours concerning the Dachsund and the tin of shoe polish. Also the latest tunes from the Stereophonics, Travis, Britney Speares and hang on….(shuffling of paper) oh you silly cow Share a, you’re only reading yesterday’s script aren’t you? Ah, here we are….

C.H: Sober up Share a, your on the air!!

A.P: Anyway, late on we’ll have all the latest tunes from Britney, Travis and the Stereos. So there’s something to look forward to. But now our latest competition results. Remember I offered a pair of my knicker to the first person who could tell me who the Prime Minister was. Whopping response as always wasn’t there, Scott?

C.H: There certainly was. It’s just a shame that the answer isn’t Pikachu or Lara Croft for that matter. All the near enough answers are in the hat if you want to pick a winner.

A.P: O.k, I’ll just reach over like……

F.X. CRASH

A.P: Fuck it. I’ve fallen off the chair (laughter from both). Hang on, don’t go away listeners.

C.H: Perhaps that 20th bottle of Newcastle Brown was not a good idea eh, Share a?

A.P: I’m alright now. I’ll just select the winner at random. Here we are. James in Coventry who writes: “Hi Share a, forget about the question, just send me your knickers.”  Er…. not quite James. Good try though. Next one? Oh yes. Sophie from Cheam, and she writes: “I hope it’s Leonardo Di Caprio as he’s really dishy”. No, bad luck Sophie. Not bad for a twenty-three year old though. Last try? Ah… Stephen from Godalming: “Margaret Thatcher”. What do you think Scott?

C.H: It’s close enough, I think we can allow that one I think.

A.P: The correct answer is “Tony Blair”, who Geri recently came out in support of. So I’m surprised more of you didn’t twig.

C.H: She’ll have to have a word with her publicity team over that one I think.

A.P: Never mind. Stephen, a pair of my mankiest knickers are on their way to you.

C.H: (Serious announcer’s voice) A recent survey has shown that a vast majority of listeners now prefer Radio Two to Radio One. Perhaps we should join them.

A.P: (Irish brogue) Well, hello there, you lucky people. El Tel here, bringing you another jolly load of ol’ blarney, a gentle assortment of Irish chat, a veritable Celtic cornucopia, or whatever the fuck you want to call this shit….

C.H: Perhaps not.

A.P: (Share a) Hey guess what? Somebodies coming into the studio now. Do I know this person? I think I do. It’s none other than Throwy Balls. Yaaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!

C.H: (High pitched female) Yaaaaaay Share a!! How’s it going?

A.P: It’s rocking. How are you getting on?

C.H: Went to a really great club last night, the D.J was really slammin’  ’em down. Big up to all the guys down there at MC JOES!!

A.P: I bet you were slammin’ ’em down as well.

C.H: No, I was on my best behaviour all evening. You have to be when your a new mum.

A.P: How is little Lara?

C.H: She’s great!! She got blitzed to the tits the other night though. Got her bottle mixed up with one of mine. She’d sunk about a pint of Guinness before I noticed my mistake.

A.P: Start as you mean to go on eh?

C.H: You said it. Anyway what have you been up to?

A.P: Oh the usual. Clubbin’ it, getting bladdered and falling over a lot.

C.H: It’s an exciting life being a DJ isn’t it?

A.P: Well it certainly beats sitting at home watching telly, reading books, or occupying one’s mind in other ways. Anyway, here’s the latest from the Britpop stable, the Dave Lees with  “Looking out my Window”.

C.H plays a four chord riff over which A.P sings in as strangulated a voice as possible:

“I’m lookin’ out my window at you, baby

Lookin’ out my window at you, girl.

Dunno what I’ll find,

But it won’t be peace of mind.

Lookin’ out my window at you girl.”

Fade down gradually.

F.X. Greenwich Time Signal

A.P: This is radio Four. Now on Radio four, our afternoon play “A Fountain In Paradise” by Emile Larkin.

Grams: Brandenberg 3

C.H: (over music) I shall never forget the day when I was first summoned to see Lady Halifax at her Dorsetshire seat. It was…..er…..oh….er…..oh….um..(fade out)

Grams: The usual mindless dance music

A.P: (Mockney) Well ‘ardy old boy, it’s us again. Fark n ‘ard with you for an eternity.

C.H: (Equally mockney) All too true Farky boy. Have you just dropped one?

A.P: No.

C.H: Oh, it must have been me then.

A.P: Oh Ardy, you are such a tease.

C.H: Why, thank you Stanley.

A.P: Think you’d better expand that last statement there.

C.H: For the benefit of our older listeners, I just made a reference to Laurel and Hardy as a play on words on my good pals name here. Laurel and Hardy were a comedy team in the 20’s and 30’s in case you haven’t heard. Not bad either were they?

A.P: Can’t remember me. Too young.

C.H: Anyway, enough of this jolly banter. What’s on the agenda today?

A.P: Well me ol’ pal, we’ve got the latest from Britney, the Stereos and Geri Halliwell.

C.H: So, no change there then.

A.P: Ah, but today we’ll be playing them in a different order, and we may even have some Robbie Williams as well.

C.H: I can hardly wait for that. Fark?

A.P: Yes, me old pal?

C.H: Don’t you ever get bored with all this?

A.P: I don’t know what you mean, me ol’ pal.

C.H: Having to spout all this empty and inane banter all the time.

A.P: It what’s we’re paid for old pal.

C.H: Your not stupid at all, you have a great love and respect for popular music, your interest in the blues is unquestionable, and your great on obscure 70’s bands. Don’t you think all of this is beneath the dignity of both you and the audience?

A.P: Tell me what you mean old pal.

C.H: Don’t you think you could be using this position to broaden the awareness of our listeners to all the really interesting stuff going on out there which they won’t hear otherwise?

A.P: Ah, but that’s John Peel’s department.

C.H: 8 hours a week? At 11.00 at night?

A.P: People don’t want to be educated, they want to be entertained.

C.H: How do you know?

A.P: Well it’s life isn’t it? I mean, if you’re at work, do you really want somebody to tell you about the music you are listening to? No, you want a continuous round of upbeat tunes.

C.H: But it’s the same 10 records every day!!

A.P: That’s the arrangement the bosses have with us. We’re just here to sell records to make them  richer. Anyway ‘ardy boy your getting a bit ‘eavy. Be  careful or you’ll be boring the listeners.

C.H. (Announcers voice) We interrupt this show to bring you a special report. There has been a sudden upsurge in the number of people listening to Radio One. To find out more we asked a listener.

A.P: (Factory worker) Yeah, well there I am at me lathe tunin’ into Fark n ‘ard when suddenly I finds meself in the middle of an intelligent conversation. I thought what the fuck? They’re ‘avin a laugh but, no it was true. After years of being given nothing but predigested mush I was being given something real and honest to chew on. I ‘ad to tell all me mates of course and they were as amazed as I was. Sadly, in my excitement, I caught me finger in the lathe and am now waiting medical attention but thanks to Fark ‘n ard I feel liberated. I realised I wasn’t stupid and that I didn’t need to be treated like a baby.

C.H: A spokesman for Radio One has apologized for the lapse and regrets that some factory workers have are now the victims of a delusional sense of their own worth. “In future, we will continue to support and cater for the needs of industry bosses who do not wish to see mental stimulation amongst their workforce as it affects productivity. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go and explain this lapse to our shareholding record producers and agents.” An industrial spokesman later commented: “These morons don’t need encouraging to think, they just need to get their arses in gear to meet the latest set of unrealistic targets we have set them. They’ll be listening to Mahler next and we can’t have that.” It is understood that John Peel is on a written warning over his refusal to…..er  Alan this is getting a wee bit political isn’t it? Are you sure this is right?

A.P: Just read on, Chris, these things need to be said.

Grams: “Panorama” Music. Over which:

C.H: The legal system. As new figures show an upsurge in crime, we investigate the role of the police in this period of seeming discontent.

Grams: Music fades out.

A.P: Good evening. Tonight an in depth examination of the problems besetting our police force. With recruitment at an all time low, and morale even lower, we ask the important question, what went wrong? First the drugs problem. With drug related crime on the increase we asked a leading chief constable why it was decided not to implement a random drugs testing policy.

C.H: (Spaced out to the eyeballs) Well basically man, we sort of realized that were it carried out in any serious way, none of us would be let outside the fucking station.

A.P: (equally spaced out in the distance) Hey man, where’s me fuckin’ reefer? I need it man, like seriously.

C.H: Keep it down man. I’m on the radio and it’s bad public relations.

A.P: I’m not kidding yer man, I need it fuckin’ serious like. Christ, can’t one leave a joint around here without it being pilfered?

C.H: Have you tried on top of that pile of statements over there?

A.P: Jesus man, who put it there?

C.H: You did. Also in future could you not use witness statements as Rizla papers, it gives us a bad name.

A.P: But, man, going out for a packet of King size silvers is a dead give away isn’t it?

A.P:(Panorama) Anyway, chief constable, what do you say regrading those newly released figures which seem to indicate that the number of break-ins left unsolved is inversely proportional to the number of successful raids on porn shops.

C.H: Well, hey man, what would you rather spend your time doing? Stands to reason really.

Grams: Mindless dance music

A.P: Hey, hey hey kids we’re back on the air again and its time for our afternoon competition isn’t it ‘ardy boy?

C.H: It certainly is Fark me ol’beauty.

A.P: And what competition do we have lined up this afternoon?

C.H: None other than our old favourite “Who’s tampon am I holding?”

Grams: Cheesy fanfare

A.P: That’s right, it is indeed. My pal ‘ardy ‘ere…

C.H: Pardon?

A.P: No. “‘ardy ‘ere”.

C.H: Sorry, old pal, I thought you said “my pal can hardly hear”.

Both: Ta daaaaaaah!!!

A.P: Anyway, my pal ‘ardy ‘ere is holding a second hand tampon that has been used by a famous celebrity. All you have to do is ring in and tell us who you think it is.

C.H: Should we give a clue?

A.P: I think we should.

C.H: I think it’s fair to say that the lady involved appears to have been having a heavy time of things.

A.P: Could it be Vanessa Shmeltz I wonder?

C.H: And so you may, Farky boy, so you may.

A.P: I thought I just did actually.

C.H: I wondered what the smell was.

F.X: Changing of radio channels.

C.H: (Equally mindless presenter) You’ll never guess who I have in the studio with me now. It’s  only one of the girls from that exciting new band “The Gravy Train Girls”, who’s new single “Show me your love baby” has made it into the top ten withing the first five years of its initial  release. Lara, how do you feel?

A.P: Oh great Chris, really good. Yeah.

C.H: When did you first show an interest in music?

A.P: Well I went to a Steps concert and thought they were really groovy, so I thought it would  be like, so cool to be as famous as they are.

C.H: Yes, well your current single appears to reflect  that experience.

A.P: Yeah, we thought it would be a good idea to start with a couple of cover versions to establish ourselves, so we thought what better than Step’s “Tragedy”. Kind of a tribute like.

C.H: Although, of course, it was itself a cover of a Beegees song.

A.P: Who?

C.H: So anyway, what can we expect from the Gravy’s in the very near future?

A.P: Oh, lot’s of thrilling stuff. We want to redefine the whole girl band genre which we feel is becoming stale and cliched.

C.H: How?

A.P: Er…. actually I don’t know what I just said, my agent told me to say it.

C.H: Well let’s hear you new single.

Grams: A.P and C.H (pre-recorded high pitched girlies) Show me your love, baby. Show me your love, oh yeah. (x2)

C.H: (Pinched nose) Lovely girls. And cue rapper…

A.P: (as “black” as possible) Hey, white folks, I’m gonna bust yer ass

For treatin’ me like some underclass

You don’t gimme respect, just gimme abuse

So this little posse’s coming after you’se.

You may try and run

You may try and hide

We’ll have your balls Kentucky Fried.

C.H: Cut!! Cut!! What the hell are you doing?

A.P: Tellin’ it like it is, bro.

C.H: Yeah, but not here.

A.P: Why not? It’s the truth bro.

C.H: Yeah? Well we wanna sell this record so get your ass in gear ok? It’s not about “real”, it’s about charting ok? So that means adapting ok? Now try something else. Cosy and bland ok? Now Cue…

A.P: Hey there girly, gonna show you my lurve

You to me girly are a sweet little dove

Gonna love ya, gonna squeeze ya to the end o’ my days

And if that ain’t long enough, I’ll ensure that both of us stays

Wrapped together in the very same crypt hey…

C.H and A.P: Show me your love baby, oooooh

Show me your love oh yeah, ooooh.

F.X: Changing of channels

A.P: (Another mindless presenter) And later on Geri will be telling us where she really shops for fish. But, first, another chance to hear the same record you heard 10 seconds ago on another channel. And how do I know that? Well, record companies pay good money to keep it that way. Cool eh? Anyway here’s D.J Jazzy’s new release “Lots of samples of other people’s music put together with a harmonic sequence I heard on a Philip Glass album 10 years ago.” (Normal voice) Phew, that’s me beat Chris. Any ideas?

C.H: (Normal voice) Yeah, pass me the word processor.

Grams: Something rural.

C.H: Hello and welcome to “Gardener’s Queries”.

A.P: (camp) Ooooh get you dear.

C.H: Sod off Alan, this is my sketch.

A.P: Oops sorry.

C.H: I’m Alan Shortbastard and can I just say how lovely it is to see so many of you joining us here at the picturesque Happy Dahlia cafe, occupying as it does a lovely spot by the Cactii here at the Johnny Napalm garden centre in Blackpool.

A.P: No you can’t.

C.H: Sod off!! Here in the shadow of the gasworks we have gathered together some of the best names in the world of gardening.

A.P: Gunned them all down and present the following bunch of cretins nobody has heard of.

C.H: I won’t tell you again. Russell Sprout, Heather “Lucky” Bunchov and local man Josiah Arkwright. Welcome to you all.

FX: Applause, snoring, and whatever else comes to mind. Pensioner’s day out perhaps?

C.H: Ok, can we have our first question please? This one comes from Elsie Chelsea from Fylde. What would you like our experts to help you with, Elsie?

A.P: It’s corn.

F.X: Various rural voices. “Arrrr, it be corn then be it?” “Arrr that it be” “It be corn.”  “Arrrr Corn” “Shiver me timbers, it be corn Arrrr.” Keep going for quite a while.

C.H: When our studio audience has quite finished. So Elsie, your having trouble with your corn are you?

A.P: Yeah it’s on the end of me toe and it fuckin’ hurts.

C.H: Er…ok thank you.

A.P: I’ll just whack me boots off.

C.H: Er  Elsie  we’re only taking questions on gardening today. Do you have any questions about gardening?

A.P: Yes, why are there so many fucking gardening programmes on the fucking television? I mean every time you look there’s some woolly jumper kneeling down talking shite about shite.

C.H: It’s manure Elsie, and that special programme on the subject was one of the highest rated shows this year.

A.P: Or some melon titted tart flouncing around in a skimpy top telling us what to do if our vegetable patch decides to snuff it all at once. I mean its almost as vomit inducing as that camp DIY twat Laurence somebody (all camp) “ooh I think we’ll have a bit of pink here, and some purple over there just to give the water feature a delicate rococo feel.” I mean, for fuck’s sake, it’s only a bloody refit the company wants doing.

C.H: Yes, Elsie some nice points, but ones you should perhaps take up with Jerry Logan on “Points of view”?

A.P: Jerry “fucking” Logan I’d like to shove my corn right up his….

C.H: Anyway our next question comes from Albert Wall of Preston.

A.P: Yes, well I’ve got a lovely bunch of…

C.H: Cocanuts?

A.P: No, I wouldn’t be that obvious.

C.H: Neither would I but Page keeps butting into my script and making me say these things. Carry on.

A.P: I’ve got a lovely big rhubarb patch in my allotment, but it isn’t growing very well. I only got two plates out of it last year. What can I do to make it grow faster?

C.H: That’s an interesting question. Heather? What do you think?

A.P:(Husky female)  Well, Alan, thing I love about Rhubarb is that it is just sooo masculine and rather versatile as well. Just the feel of it in my hands as I rub it up and down slowly to check the quality.

Grams: Sultry music fading in gradually.

A.P: And, oh, as I hold the uprooted stick in my hand and run my nose back and forth over its length, savouring its unique bouquet. Then, lying sprawled on the kitchen table, having stripped it back to its essential manliness….

C.H: Er…yes. Thank you Heather.

A.P: I take the stick and gently tickle the tips of my nipples with the end of it before, oh yes, opening my legs and sliding the stick up and down up and…..

C.H: Yes, thank you Heather. (Grams: Music cuts out suddenly)  Food for thought there Albert?

A.P: (rather excited) I should bloody well say so Alan!!!

C.H: Russell? Any thoughts?

A.P:(camp) Yes, well I would cover the whole are in  decking and stainless steel to give a truly magi-techno view toward your sprouting rhubarb. Oh, and a water feature too. Two nubile young cherubs holding a bowl aloft with the water billowing out from the crown. Oh and I see Blue there as well…

C.H: Thank you Russell, we’re running short of time.

A.P: Yes, two naked adolescent cherubs sporting semi-tumescent penises, their smooth marble feet placed on tippy-wippy toe as they hold the bowl aloft between them, their smooth well curved little bottoms taut and muscly as their…

C.H: Shut up before you get us arrested.

F.X: Police Sirens. Door breaks down.

A.P:(Stoned out of his box) Hey, this is, like a raid yeah? Nobody had better move like ok?

C.H: What’s the problem officer?

A.P: It’s been sort of reported like that ……like……we believe there may be like drugs on the premises and we’ve got, like, a warrent to search.

C.H: No drugs here officer, we’re a respectable country broadcasting unit.

A.P: SHIT!! What do mean man, like, no drugs?

C.H: Just that officer. No drugs.

A.P: Not one small tab? Just to keep me going til lunchtime? I’ll pay good money, man, like no shit.

C.H: Er… constable do you think you should be talking like this on the radio?

 

A.P: The radio? Is this being broadcast?

 

C.H: Yes, officer.

 

A.P: Aha, Pirate radio eh? Your nicked mate. Your coming down the station with me (pleadingly) unless you can give me some Charlie. Go on, you must have some somewhere. I’m, like in withdrawal pretty serious like.

 

C.H: Er…. anyway back to business (and MY sketch Page). Josiah, do you have any ideas on Rhubarb growth?

 

A.P: Or any Charlie?

 

C.H: Fuck off, Page.

 

A.P: (Heavy rustic/Long John Silver) Arrrr that I do.

 

Audience(getting excited): Arrrr he does that, Arrrrr Jim lad etc etc.

 

A.P: I most certainly do.

 

Audience: (even more excited) Arrr he does, that he does etc.

 

A.P: What you needs is a bit o the ol shite me deario.

 

Audience: Arrrr thats what you needs. Some o ‘that ol shite. Arrrrr.

 

A.P: What I did was set me privy over the top of the plants. That way it gets a good covering at least twice a day.

 

Audience: Arrrr that it does. Arrrr.

 

A.P: Course, it tastes like shit, but comes up lovely.

 

Audience: Comes up lovely it does arrrrr.

 

C.H: Well Albert I hope you found that useful.

 

A.P: Yes, thank you. I think I’ll get the wife to follow Heather’s method whilst I shovel that ol shit around. Two bird with one stone.

 

C.H: Glad we were able to help. Anyway next week we will be coming from Josiah’s Bed and Breakfast in Blackpool, where you have a speciality on the menu don’t you Josiah?

 

A.P: Arrrrr I dooo. Rhubarb tart with Absinthe glaze. The locals all swear by it. “Josiah” they say, “this Rhubarb tastes like fucking shit” and my wife smiles condescendingly at them.

 

C.H: Anyway that’s all for now. I’m off to ride the Big One. Come on Heather.

 

A.P: (husky) Oh Alan, its just like a stick of….

 

Grams: Mission impossible music.

C.H: New from Castra-cat, the Hoover Vasectomatic.

 

A.P: Yes, just when you thought the art of cat neutering was a dying trade, the geniuses behind the Castra-cat kit unveil their latest invention. The Hoover Vasectomatic. All it takes is a click of a button and Tiddles won’t know what’s hit it.  Quick, clean and fully portable, it works on the Dyson twin rotary method and can emasculate a Tom cat at four hundred meters. No more worries about local dodgy Toms. Just aim the nozzle and press the button.

F.X: (Under the above) Vacuum cleaner noise with a bit of anguished mewing.

C.H: Castra cat hoover vasectomatic comes with a five year warrenty and musn’t be used on Hamsters. Recommended by Rolf Harris. Also good for belligerent husbands.

Grams: Fade out music.

 

A.P:( Spivvy type) Hello, I’m Bob.

 

C.H: (Spivvy type) Yeah, I know.

 

A.P: Errr. Wasn’t talking to you Doug.

 

C.H: Oh, sorry Bob.

 

A.P: Nah, you may have been listening to that Castra-cat ‘oover thing just now. Ain’t that right Doug.

 

C.H: Yeah, that’s right Bob.

 

A.P: And you may have been thinking “sounds like just the sort of thing we could do wiv round ere” might’nt  they have been, Doug.

 

C.H: Yeah, too right Bob.

 

A.P: Yeah, well that ain’t the case. Tell ’em Doug.

 

C.H: Yeah well listen here. To function as a cat neuterer these days takes patience and skill and, for all their technology, that’s something them geezers at Castra-cat can’t offer you. Tell ’em oo we are Bob.

 

A.P: Yeah, we’re Bob and Doug Cat Neuterers PLC, the first wholly autonomous freelance outfit devoted to process using traditional methods. No fancy technical stuff with us, jus Doug , me and a choice of Polo Mallet, Sledge Hammer or Hobnail boots. Plenty of experience, and what’s more, we’re not afraid to call a spayed a spayed.

 

C.H: Or a nigger , wog or coon eh Bob?

 

A.P: Errrr… not quite what I meant Doug. So don’t forget our motto.

 

C.H: “Don’t fuck around when it come to having your cat done. It could prove a long and tiresome business going from door to door looking for the right person.”

 

A.P: So call “Bob n Doug” and strike a blow for independent cat neuterers everywhere.

 

C.H: As one recent customer put it.

 

F.X: POP!! REOWWWW!!!

 

Grams: Cajun music

 

C.H: Well Fark me old beauty. What are we playing here?

 

A.P: A little bit of Cajun, ard me old pal.

 

C.H: So what’ s that then.

 

A.P: A kind of traditional American music that originated in the swamps of Louisiana.

 

C.H: Hang on, if its American, how come he’s singing in French?

 

A.P: Well that’s actually quite interesting. You see, centuries ago certain parts of of the surrounding area were dominated by French colonials who had invaded many years previously. As the English later gained dominance in these territories these colonials emigrated south and set up home amongst the swamps. We therefore had a meeting ground for both French and English speaking musical traditions.

 

C.H: Hence the accordians being added to what sounds like fairly typical American fiddle playing. How fascinating.

 

Grams: Sudden change back to mindless dance music.

 

A.P: Ha ha only kidding guys.

 

C.H: That was a good joke that, Fark. I bet they were bored shitless.

 

A.P: Anyway. its time for us to go now, but before we do, here’s Geri’s new single.

 

F.X: Changing channels

 

C.H: Geri’s new single.

 

F.X: Changing channels

 

A.P: New single by Geri…

 

F.X: Whhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Massive Explosion. Silence.

 

A.P: Well, Chris its been a lot of fun.

 

C.H: It certainly has Al.

 

A.P: Before we go though, we should point out that no cats were harmed during the making of this programme.

 

C.H: Apart from the two who were castrated of course.

 

A.P: Oh, yeah. Apart from them. Well see you around Chris.

 

C.H: See you around Al.

 

Grams: Chopin Nocturne.

 

C.H: Oh god, Heather. Oh, suck my balls Heather. Suck my balls.

 

F.X: Fucking great Vacuum cleaner noise. Cut.

Radio One for the rest of the tape.

 

 

 

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