Hommage to the Music Hall (2001) Monologue By Sterling Harroway.

“I sh*t on the beach at Scarborough, 

 And covered it over wit’ sand.

 Nobody there saw me do it

But it made me feel, aye, mighty grand.

That night, as I lay a sleeping

After a long busy day,

The tide up t’ beach came creeping

And washed all the sand clean away.

Mayor’s wife were first to see it,

It gave her a terrible fright.

“We really must catch the damned vandal

 Who’s polluted our fine beach wit’ sh*te.”

The mayor then summoned a meeting,

A quorum was formed to discuss.

Must have been first time that mah droppings

‘ad caused such a terrible fuss.

The meeting were ‘ot and were stormy,

My t-rds were top of the list.

The mayor said he’d like it all over and done with,

So he could go out and get p-ssed.

“I have an idea ” said a young man

Above the terrible din.

“We’ll tell ’em that John Lennon done it,

Then we’ll be coining it in.”

Well then, that motion were carried,

My sh-te’s now talk of the town.

Young person’s been given an O.B.E

For services t’Crown.

So come on you people in Brighton,

If you want to make money real quick,

Just find me a beach I can sh*te on.

For an extra large fee I’ll be sick.”

My interest in  Music Hall comedians stemmed initially from my 78 collection which contains numerous sides by the likes of Billy Bennett, Dan Leno, Albert Whelan et al. I was fascinated by the style and the fact that things that were so old and could still be funny.

The comedy monologue was a speciality of Billy Bennett’s, but my particular one, I think, sounds more like Stanley “Albert and the Lion” Holloway. The only difference being location, Holloway’s tale is set in Blackpool wheras mine is set in Yorkshire.

I have absolutely no idea why the subject matter is as it is. I just heard this northern voice in my head saying the first few stanzas and found it hilarious, the rest followed on naturally from there.

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