As part of Cameron’s “Big Society”, it is, apparently, considered perfectly rational to tackle crime by reducing the number of people actually doing the tackling. The sublime law of economic expediency apparently dictates that the number of crimes are directly related to the number of policemen and that, with less of the “fascists” around, crime figures will suddenly drop and that big fluffy bunnies will suddenly descend by parachutes and spread love and peace everywhere and everybody will suddenly wear cheesy grins, pay their taxes, and not want to murder anymore, because, shucks, at heart mankind is essentially a peaceful selfless animal. This is known as Liberalism. It is also known by other names. Many of which are far too naughty to be included on such a well behaved blog like this.
However, with this piece of wisdom, new opportunities have arisen for ordinary people to take part as so called “Special Constables”. They are, after all, cheaper and, if the combined forces of CID and the local force cannot take on Yardie drug gangs, then it does seem only fair to give Mrs Miggins (flower arranger at the local church and WI chairperson) the chance to give those villians “a piece of my mind” even if said piece ends up decorating the walls of the church pretty soon afterwards.
Try out schemes have, apparently, already been used in various parts of the country. Here, for example, is Children’s party entertainer Charlie Chuckles doing his bit for traffic monitoring:
“Excuse me, sir, can you step out of the car please?”
“Can you step out of the car please?”
“What’s the problem constable? I’m late for a meeting and wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
“Can you please just step out of the car? I need you to blow into this for me sir.”
“This is absurd. The last drink I had was a cup of tea at the last service stop a few miles back. I was well within the speed limit. What’s the issue?”
“Don’t argue sir, just blow into this for me please.”
(Motorist does so very reluctantly)
“Right, now what? You realise I might lose an important contract over this.”
“Just be patient sir. I just have to do this. This. This and er… this and…. oh look its a little doggie…isn’t he lovely? Do you want to take him home with you?”
“Piss off, constable.”
“I also do Bar Mitzvahs!!”
A most enthralling development, I am sure you will agree.